


Give My Heart

by goldenwanderer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Christmas, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Not Canon Compliant - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Post - Deathly Hallows, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-05-28
Packaged: 2017-12-13 06:49:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/821298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenwanderer/pseuds/goldenwanderer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christmas Eve, 1996 finds Remus Lupin sitting on a street corner, listening to a group of Christmas carolers. A conversation and some harsh words from a new friend changes the way he thinks about love - in particular, his relationship with Nymphadora Tonks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written in December, 2007, for a challenge at the LJ community, MetamorFic_Moon. It was inspired by the following prompts: a choir, and part of the poem, "In The Bleak Midwinter," by Christina Rossetti. This piece introduces one of my original characters, whom I'm quite proud of.

Snow was falling at an almost constant rate, and the wind made the world even colder than it already was. Though it was only about five o’clock, it was beginning to get darker. Night had almost fallen on the city of London.

A small choir was standing on the corner of one of the streets. They had been singing Christmas carols to all the passersby throughout the afternoon. Their faces were red and the song books in their hands were shaking, but they continued to sing as joyfully as when they had started.

_God rest ye merry, gentlemen!_  
Let nothing you dismay!  
Remember Christ our Savior  
Was born upon this day,  
To save us all from Satan’s power  
When we were gone astray.  
O tidings of comfort and joy,  
Comfort and joy,  
O tidings of comfort and joy! 

Comfort and joy were exactly what was missing in the case of the man sitting on the other end of the block. He hadn’t seen real comfort in months, and joy was the farthest thing from his mind. He had been listening to the carolers for several hours now. Many of their songs had seemed unfitting, considering his situation, but thus far, none had seemed more unfitting than this one.

Every now and again, one of the carolers would glance over at the man on the other corner. For a moment, he or she considered stepping out of formation to go and talk to him. But then the rest of the choir kept singing, so the caroler would look away and continue to sing, as well. Besides, they would reason, the poor man probably did not wish to be disturbed.

A part of the man wished that someone would come and talk to him. He longed for companionship – the sort that only comes when people treat you like an equal human being. But most of him knew that none of the carolers would be able to treat him like that. And it was easy to see why – he looked as though he were a poor old homeless man with nowhere to go. His hair was graying, his face was tired, and his clothes, besides being very strange looking in this part of London, were torn, ripped, and dirty. No reasonable person would be able to look at him as an equal in this state.

_Comfort and joy_. The two things that Remus Lupin wanted most right now were the two things that were missing in his life. And, as long as everything went well and according to plan, those were two things he was going to have to do without for quite some time. That is, except for a few short hours of escape every now and then.

“Lupin?”

Remus jumped at the sound of his name. Normally, he wouldn’t have been startled by a voice from behind him. But out here, he hadn’t been expecting anyone at all to recognize him. He turned around quickly, but he already knew who it was. The man standing behind him was tall, somewhat muscular, and had dark, messy hair. His robes were far more tattered and worn than Remus’s, though.

“What’re you doing out here?” asked the visitor.

“Sitting,” said Remus. “Listening.”

“To them?” asked the other man. He nodded his head toward the carolers.

“Christmas carolers,” said Remus.

“Christmas?” asked the man. “Really?”

“Yes,” said Remus. “Tonight’s Christmas Eve – the twenty-fourth.”

“Don’t know all them holidays no more,” said the man. He came to sit down next to Remus. Then, chuckling, he added, “Always lose track of the days, too. I only know it’s winter.”

Remus smiled faintly, but the smile faded quickly. He kept his attention focused away from the man next to him.

“Sure is cold out here,” said the man. “Wouldn’t you rather go back down?”

Remus shook his head. “Sorry, Breaker,” he said quietly. “I’ve found it to be a little less frightening out here.”

Breaker chuckled again. “You’re a strange one, Lupin. Most of us would say that this place is far more frightening than any of the ferals.”

“True, but this is the Muggle world,” said Remus. “No one thinks any the worse of us out here.”

“Except that we look like hell,” said Breaker.

“Worse,” said Lupin, looking down at his torn robes.

Breaker laughed for a minute, but then silence fell between the two men. Another gust of cold wind made Remus shiver and clutch his robes tighter around himself. The sound of the wind reminded him of just how harsh the long, cold winter was. At that moment, the carolers began singing a new song.

_In the bleak midwinter,_  
Frosty wind made moan,  
Earth stood hard as iron,  
Water like a stone;  
Snow had fallen, snow on snow,  
Snow on snow,  
In the bleak midwinter long ago. 

If ‘God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen’ had been the perfect description of the state of Remus Lupin’s heart at that moment, then this song, ‘In the Bleak Midwinter,’ was the perfect description of the rest of the world. He watched the snow falling around him, coming to rest on the hard, cold ground. Small patches of ice filled the cracks in the streets, and the air was full of a cold, sad wind.

“Never heard this song before,” said Breaker. “Fits perfectly, don’t it?”

“Too perfectly,” said Remus.

“I’d be happy for summer again,” said Breaker. “More food in the warm months, leastways, and a bit less hiding down in the ferals.”

Remus nodded, but did not respond. In a way, he, too, would love to see summer again. The warmth of the sun sounded particularly delightful at the moment. He closed his eyes for a minute, thinking of the warmth of the summer days and nights. As a child, he had spent countless summer evenings out in the woods surrounding his home. The stars always shone brightly above him, and the trees provided comfort and refuge.

But just as he was remembering those days long ago, reality seemed to hit him again. It was out in those woods that Greyback had found him. It was because of his love of the woods that he was here now, sitting on a street corner, instead of sitting by the fire, nestled next to...

“What’re you thinking about, Lupin? You’re even quieter than usual,” said Breaker, interrupting Remus’s thoughts. Breaker had no idea, of course, that he had spoken at exactly the right moment. For months now, Remus had been trying to put her out of his mind. No matter how many times he tried, it never worked.

“Nothing,” Remus said quickly. “Just... imagining sitting by a warm fire.” It was part of the truth, at least.

“Yeah, a fire’d be nice,” said Breaker. “Last time I sat around a fire was... well, I can’t really remember. Probably not since I was a kid.”

“It would have been last winter for me,” said Remus, trying very hard to keep the memories from resurfacing.

Breaker stared at Remus for a moment in disbelief. Then, almost instantaneously, it seemed to have dawned on him. “Keep forgetting you haven’t been in the ferals that long, Lupin,” he said. “Don’t know how I manage that – you’re always talking to everybody about life in the outside.”

Remus nodded. He missed the “life in the outside,” as the feral werewolves called it. He was doing the best that he could in the underground, just like Dumbledore wanted. But he wasn’t meant to be here – not really, anyway. He’d told himself over and over again that he was a monster, that his kind belonged away from normal people.

But... he had friends. Some of his best friends were gone – James... Lily... _Sirius_. Thoughts of the latter stung worse than thoughts of the first two. He had lost James and Lily fifteen years ago; he had lost Sirius six months ago.

Still, he had other friends, didn’t he? Arthur and Molly, and the rest of the Weasley family. Kingsley Shacklebolt and Alastor Moody. His former colleagues at Hogwarts. Even the man sitting next to him, Breaker – was he a friend?

And then, there was... _her_. Tonks. Nymphadora Tonks. The most beautiful woman in the entire wide world. If he could see her now, he was more than certain that even the moaning frosty wind could keep him shivering. She was brighter than any of the lights he had seen on any Christmas tree – not even the ones that decorated the halls at Hogwarts could compare to the light that she emitted when she stepped into a room. She was perfect... and here he was, sitting without her.

_What can I give him, poor as I am?_  
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb.  
If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;  
Yet what I can I give him: give my heart. 

Remus remembered this particular verse of the song very well. His mother used to sing the song to him at Christmastime when he was a boy. He never knew the other verses very well, but this one stuck out in his mind. The one thing he had always wondered was what it felt like to give his heart to someone.

Well, now he knew. It felt like a thousand winters melting into springs. It felt like water rushing over a waterfall, coming to rest peacefully in the bay beneath. It felt like the sunlight shining after the full moon had gone.

But it felt like a stinging pain, too, he realized. It was the kind of pain that didn’t go away, no matter how much you wanted it to. It was sharper and deeper and longer lasting than any other kind of pain. Maybe that was why Remus hurt so much right now.

She wouldn’t be at the Weasleys’ home that evening – that much Remus was sure of. She wouldn’t be at her parents’ home either. No, she would be at her flat that evening, or else on duty at Hogsmeade (he had heard about her assignment from Kingsley). She knew that he was coming, and she wasn’t going to risk hurting herself again by seeing him. Because surely she knew that if she tried, she would fall for him again, and he would have to let her down.

Tears nearly fell down Remus’s cheeks as he thought about it. He had thought of this before, he must have. He couldn’t have chosen this without considering how she would feel. But then, he hadn’t expected her to separate herself from the Order so as to purposely avoid him. Or, was that really what she was doing?

“Y’ever thought about how nice it would be to have a girl, Lupin?” asked Breaker, cutting in again at exactly the opportune moment. “I mean, haven’t you ever wondered what it’d be like to have a girl fancying you?”

“I - I know what it’s like,” Remus admitted. “It’s wonderful.” His voice was dry and forced. It was wonderful, but not for someone like him.

Breaker looked at him in surprise. “You’ve had a girl, mate? Really?”

“You sound so surprised,” said Remus, trying to sound as casual as possible. He didn’t want Breaker to know how recently he had been in a relationship – only a few months ago.

“Well, no, I shouldn’t be,” said Breaker, slightly embarrassed. “I mean, you’re a nice bloke and all – what girl wouldn’t fancy you?” He paused for a moment, but when Remus said nothing, he continued. “I just mean that, well, with what we are and all – werewolves – most of us never’ve had girls before. You could ask everyone down inside, and most of ‘em’ll tell you they’ve only dreamt of girls.”

“It certainly is a miracle, then,” said Remus. That really was the truth, of course. It was a miracle that he had ever found love at all. He had liked girls in school, of course, but it was only ever a passing fancy. Once, he had thought he loved Lily Evans, but he learned very quickly that they were just friends. He’d liked it better that way.

And then, when he’d first met Nymphadora Tonks, he’d never expected that it would go so far, or that she would be so wonderful. He had so many wonderful memories of her stored away in his mind. Who would have thought that a man like him – a werewolf – could ever have found someone like her?

“What was she like?” asked Breaker. “This girl – was she pretty?”

“Beautiful,” said Remus. His mind was filled with images of Nymphadora Tonks, and before he could stop himself, the words began to flow out of his mouth. “She’s bright, colorful, full of life. She’s young, but not childish, except in fun. She’s strong, too – much stronger than any other witch I know. She’s loyal, kind, and sensitive. She hates her first name, even though it fits her perfectly. She’s very clumsy, but she makes up for it with everything else.” He let himself laugh a bit at the thought of Tonks, tumbling into his arms after tripping over the umbrella stand at Headquarters. “She’s... perfect.”

“Sounds it,” said Breaker. “You’re a lucky man, Lupin, to have such a wonderful girl. Wish I were that lucky. I’d love to have a girl waiting for me somewhere, like you have.”

Remus turned quickly to look at the other werewolf. “What?” he asked. “How do you figure that I’ve got a girl waiting for me somewhere?”

“You never said ‘was,’ when you were talking about her,” said Breaker, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I didn’t, did I?” asked Remus, fading back into his former state of hopelessness. “Well, you’re right, there’s a girl out there waiting for me. But the difference is, she’s waiting for me to come back to her. I – I’m not with anyone right now.”

Breaker stared at Remus again in disbelief. “You mean, you left her?”

“I – I can’t be with her, you wouldn’t understand...”

“Why the _hell_ did you do that?”

“I had to... you don’t know the half of it...”

“Of course I don’t!” said Breaker angrily. “But let me tell you something, Lupin. And you’d better listen, if you know what’s good for you.”

Reluctantly, Remus turned around and looked at Breaker. He was angrier than Remus had ever seen him before, even after full moon. A bit scared, both of the face he was looking at and the words he was about to hear, he listened.

“I don’t pretend to be any sort of bloody expert on this, Lupin, but I know some things for sure,” said Breaker. “First off, there isn’t a single werewolf down in those ferals, or anywhere in the world, for that matter, who wouldn’t give his left nut to be with a girl. And one as perfect as you said – they’d give both nuts, if they had to. Now if you went down there and told them that you’ve given up this perfect girl, and that she’s still waiting out there for you...”

“I don’t plan on telling anyone else about her, for her own safety,” said Remus, trying to defend himself.

“And rightly you shouldn’t,” said Breaker. “Greyback gets words of her, she’s gone. You’d be better off keeping your mouth shut, but that’s not the point. The point is, Lupin, that you’re the luckiest werewolf on this cold, hard Earth, and you’ve given it up. And you wonder why none of us understand you, Lupin.”

“It’s not that simple,” said Remus. “It’s much more complicated than that...” He turned his head away, staring at the snow and whispering to himself.

“The look I saw in your eyes wasn’t complicated,” said Breaker.

Remus lifted his head back up and stared at Breaker. For a moment, his heart raced. Had he given away the feelings he still had for Tonks? Was the whole mission ruined? Or worse, had he made a mistake in thinking he could forget her?

“I haven’t ever seen love in a man’s eyes before, Lupin,” said Breaker. “Never – not any kind. I’ve seen bits of happiness, bits of lust, perhaps. But never love.” He paused. This time, it was Breaker who looked away from Remus, staring off toward the buildings on the other side of the street.

“I’ve seen love three times in my life, Lupin. The first was my mum. She loved me. If she had been alive when I was bitten, I’d probably have been more like you. But then, if she were alive, I probably wouldn’t have been bitten...”

Remus thought briefly of his own mother – how she had risked her life that night to find him, how Greyback went for her instead of killing him, how she had comforted him each morning after full moon, how she had loved him no matter the circumstances. She was gone now, his own mother, just like Breaker’s.

“Then there was old Carson – that werewolf I told you about who took me in after I was bitten and abandoned by my father,” continued Breaker. “He taught me the ways of the ferals. He helped me learn not to be afraid of the other werewolves, not to let them bully me, how to stand up for myself. It’s because of him I’m not afraid of Greyback. I wouldn’t be helping you if it weren’t for him.”

Remus thought back to the first few nights he had spent in the ferals. Those nights were terrifying. Then, he had met Breaker, one of the few werewolves who didn’t wander between ferals. He made one his home. Breaker had helped him adapt to the ways of the ferals. He had seen the good in Remus and thought to help him. Breaker, though much older than Remus, could certainly be considered one of Remus’s good friends now.

“But I didn’t ever see love after that,” said Breaker. “There isn’t love in the ferals – only hate. There isn’t much love in the rest of the world either, I expect. They hate us so much, they certainly can’t have a lot of love, way I see it.”

Remus understood what Breaker meant, and he wanted so badly to show Breaker the love that he had felt in the past. His father and mother, Dumbledore, James, Sirius, Lily, Harry, Kingsley, Arthur, Molly, Mad-Eye, Bill... _Tonks_. If Breaker had that kind of love, what would it be like?

“But that look I just saw in your eyes – the one when you were talking about that girl – that, Lupin, was love,” said Breaker. “That wasn’t lust I saw – I’ve seen lust, and it isn’t like that at all. You had love in your eyes. And you’re telling me that you’re going to give it all up? What a coward you must be.”

“That’s just it, Breaker,” said Remus. “I _am_ a coward. I always have been. Someday, I’ll try and make things right, if I can. But for now, I can’t really do all that much. I’ve got a duty here in the ferals. I wish I could tell you more, but I can’t. You’ll just have to trust me.”

“I can do that,” said Breaker, clapping his hand around Remus’s shoulder. “And I’ll look after you, too. You certainly need it.”

“I certainly do,” said Remus.

Then, the two men started laughing. For the first time in months, Remus was laughing. He felt the cold wind blowing around him, but he didn’t feel all that cold. He was laughing. _Maybe I haven’t got comfort_ , Remus thought, _but maybe, just maybe, I’ve got a bit of joy_.

And then, the last line of the song echoed in Remus’s mind again. ‘Yet what I can, I give him: give my heart.’ _That’s all I’ve got left_ , thought Remus. _All I have is my heart. I don’t know that I can give it yet, but maybe... someday..._

It was then that Remus noticed that the choir had finally stopped singing. He glanced over to see the choir members beginning to pack up their songbooks, tighten their coats and gloves, wish each other a ‘Happy Christmas,’ and walk off in different directions. They would all be going home now after a long few hours of singing to a few passersby and a few poor old werewolves. Though, they had no idea that the men sitting on the corner were actually dangerous dark creatures – that was probably a good thing.

He turned back to Breaker. He really needed to get going. Molly Weasley would be expecting him at the Burrow soon. Remus hadn’t counted on telling anyone that he was leaving, but it was better to do it now rather than later.

But just as Remus was about to say something, someone came up behind them. For a moment, he thought it would be an officer, coming to tell them to get away from the roads and back to where they came from. But it wasn’t. It was one of the carolers. His face was red, his coat was zipped up all the way, and he was shivering.

“Excuse me, gentlemen,” the man said, looking down at the two werewolves. “I couldn’t help but notice the two of you sitting here – though the one of you has been here through almost all our songs.”

“They were excellent, by the way,” said Remus.

“Thank you,” said the man, bowing slightly. “Anyway, no one should be out in this weather, particularly on Christmas Eve. Would you gents like to come to my home for a while? My wife can fix you a drink and a nice hot meal, and there’s plenty of fire to spare.”

Remus stared at Breaker. At first, Breaker looked hesitant, but then his face lit up. “I’d be delighted to,” he said.

Remus was more hesitant than Breaker. He already had an engagement planned, complete with a wonderful meal from one of the finest cooks in the world. But it wasn’t like a werewolf to turn down a hot meal and cozy fireplace, especially when they were free. Besides, this would be his chance to show Breaker that there really was some love in the world, and that there really was a place for them in human society.

“I’d be honored,” he said. “But only for a little while. I’ve got some friends to meet a bit later, and they’ll be disappointed if I don’t come.”

“Well, that’s great, then,” said the man. “Name’s Ben, by the way. Ben Harolds.” He held out his hand for them to shake.

Remus took his hand first, just in case Breaker had forgotten the proper way to introduce one’s self. “Remus Lupin,” he said.

Then, Ben Harolds extended his hand to Breaker. Hesitantly, Breaker took his hand and began to shake, just as he had seen Remus shake it. “M-Matthew Langdon,” he said shakily.

“Pleasure,” said Ben Harolds. “Now, listen, I’ve got to go pick up a few things from the store, just over there, and I’ll be back to get you gents. Just wait here, we’ll be on our way in a moment.” Then, tucking his hand back in his coat, he hurried off down the street toward a small store.

Remus looked over at Breaker and smiled, and Breaker smiled back. “I – I haven’t heard – or said – that name in – in _decades_ ,” said Breaker. “They’ve been calling me Breaker since I was about thirteen – two years after I came into the ferals.”

“It’s a nice name,” said Remus. “Matthew Langdon.”

“Matthew Langdon,” repeated Breaker, reveling in the sound of the name. “Matthew Langdon.”

“Well, come on, Matthew,” said Remus. “Why don’t we go and find Ben Harolds and see if he needs any assistance?”

“That’s a good idea, Remus,” said Matthew.

The two men stood up off the street corner, brushed the snow off their tattered robes, and together, they walked toward the store, to where they would find Ben Harolds, Matthew’s fourth example of love in the world.

* * *

“But where’s Remus, Tonks?” asked Molly Weasley. She took Tonks’s and Teddy’s coats and hung them up on a nearby rack. “Why isn’t he here?”

“I’m not exactly sure,” said Tonks, setting down her little boy and letting him run off farther into the house. “We were just getting ready to leave, and we were listening to the WWN broadcast, and all at once, he said he had to go somewhere. Said he’d be here as quick as he could.”

“Well, let’s he hope gets here soon,” said Molly. “If he doesn’t, we’ll start without him – the food’ll get cold if we don’t.”

Tonks laughed. “He wouldn’t want that,” she said, smiling.

“By the way, dear, you look fabulous,” said Molly. “I didn’t see much of your pregnancy last time, but it certainly suits you.”

“Thanks,” said Tonks, putting her hand over her belly. “Remus always says so, too.”

The two women smiled brightly and made their way toward the kitchen, laughing and talking as they went.

A little while later, Remus had still not yet turned up, and Tonks was beginning to get worried. The large party of people was gathered throughout the house in various groups, eating, laughing, and talking all at the same time. Tonks had found a seat in the kitchen with Bill, Fleur, Percy, Kingsley, and Arthur. While he was eating, Teddy was trying to play with Victoire. Tonks wanted to be close to the door for when Remus arrived.

“Ah, not zat Celestina Warbeck again!” cried Fleur at once, as the somewhat dulcet tones of the Singing Sorceress flowed out of the living room. “And zat is why I chose to sit here, Bill!” she said adamantly, causing a small outbreak of laughter.

Just then, there came a knock on the door. “That’ll be Remus!” cried Tonks, and, knocking over several things on the counter, she hurried through the crowd of people to the door.

Before he could even step inside, Tonks threw her arms around Remus. “It’s all right, Dora,” said Remus, his arms above her head, wondering why she chose to hug him so tightly. “I’m just fine – sorry I’m late, everyone,” he said. Tonks pulled away and allowed him some room to breath. “I heard a song on the wireless tonight that made me think of someone, so I thought I’d go and fetch him. Though, he proved a tricky blighter to find. Finally found him at a man called Ben Harolds’s place.”

Remus opened the door wider, and in stepped a tall, muscular man with dark, messy hair and formerly-tattered robes. He was quite a bit older than Remus, but he was smiling, nonetheless. His eyes grew wide at the sight of everyone in the kitchen, and at the noise coming from the rest of the house.

“Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to Matthew Langdon,” said Remus. “Or, as he’s more commonly known among the werewolves, Breaker. He helped me out a lot during my underground mission years ago, and I’ve never properly thanked him. It took the WWN playing “In the Bleak Midwinter” to remind me of him tonight. I’ve invited him to eat with us, if Molly doesn’t mind.”

The others gave a cheerful, but slightly hesitant, greeting to Matthew Langdon. Bill stood right up and shook his hand. “Pleasure to meet you, Matthew,” he said.

“Thanks,” said Matthew, who was now quite proficient at greeting people by means of shaking their hands.

“Matthew, there’s someone special I want you to meet,” said Remus. “Do you remember that perfect girl I once told you about? This is her. Matthew, I want you to meet my wife, Nymphadora Tonks.”

“So you’re the girl, eh?” said Matthew, shaking her hand and smiling. “Lucky bloke, this one, to have found someone like you.”

“I think I’m rather lucky, too,” said Tonks. “I’ve got Remus, haven’t I?”

“And me!” shouted Teddy from behind the crowd. “Don’t forget me, Mummy!”

“Oh, yes, and Teddy, too,” said Tonks, scooping him up and placing him in his father’s arms. “I think I’m the luckiest witch in the world.”

That evening, Remus could not have been more happier. Sure, it was cold and wintry outside, but in here it was nice and warm. And just like that choir, and just like his mother, had once urged him to do, he had given the perfect girl everything he had.

Nymphadora Tonks had his heart.


End file.
